seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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