bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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