Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
is it fun? or sober?
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
