She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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