Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
