I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
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