my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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