Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
