I will die if light touches me.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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