i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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