i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
