She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Someone shattered a urinal.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
