i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
