threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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