i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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