my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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