he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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