explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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