you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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