I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
