his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Randomize
