She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
