I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
