in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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