How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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