So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
