Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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