it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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