well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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