I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
