even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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