i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Randomize
