You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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