I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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