My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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