Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
