Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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