did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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