I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
