Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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