I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
