i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
