When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
