I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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