My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
