Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
