Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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