I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
