Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
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