I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
