I've blown a few things in my day
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
