you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
