It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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