remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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