Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Mom said you looked used
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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